Personal & Relations Thoughts

With all those happenings, i'm fucking drained.

i have no other ways to vent my frustration, so i'm here again. 

Firstly.. i almost lost my wallet today.. Miracle happened, which makes me cut down the loss to $50? However, i aint sure if the $50 were "taken" or "stolen". it will always be a myth. But, i can blame no one. It all happened due to my carelessness. & of course, way to forgetful.. Sometimes, i really hate myself for being so forgetful. If only there are medicine for to boost one's memory. !@#$%^&*()*&^%$#@!@#$%^&*(

Secondly, i really hate how people comment on my baking. it's just fucking annoying. It's like ppl close to me, (boy, mum, maid) will always say my pastry taste good, delicious, blah blah.& my brothers will discriminate them like nobody business. That's why i hate to ask them to try.. Just imagine 2 groups of people saying two different thing about your pastry, that's fucking confusing.

Not to forget, my haywire expenses. $50 went missing, $100 for phone repair, $60 for camp, petrol, transportation, food, overseas, plane tickets, blah blah blah. Hello? I aint even earning that much now. Merely giving a couple tuition & everyone thought my money came from the sky. I do admit i have a little savings here & there. & that's because i dont drink, smoke, club, pub or whatever nonsense. Just imagine how much you have got to spend in a visit.. Unless you got a freaking rich boy/girlfriend who is willing to foot the bill uh. To sum up, Singapore is just too expensive for one to live in. 

Lastly, relations. it's complicated. Sometimes, i do feel that my love for him is somewhat fading.. i feel insignificant.. it seems that to him, every little thing is way more important than me. & this feeling sucks. i do hope that i'm just overthinking.. Else, something bad is gonna happen, real soon. :/ Anyway..tmr, boy is going to his class outing (& yes m is included). After the tumblr insulting issue, i guess i start hating her as much as she's hating me. i just cant get over it. i cant stand it when things are left unresolved. i did approach her, not once, not twice but thrice. that coward didnt reply though. but she has the balls to tweet, "this time round, it's my turn to wait" (which means she's waiting for boy to break up w me & go to her, wtf) Everyone around me told me that she's just seeking attention, ignore her. but why? thats not my style. She's seeking attention? i dont fucking care. what i'm concern is, she spoil my reputation by spreading negative remarks, she is so gonna pay for it. I mean, it's just taking up responsibility for what you did right? you got the balls to say i'm a slut, bitch, whore or even say that i seduce your man, why dont you have the courage to own up or even clarify with me? i guess it's just my luck for meeting this kind of crazy people. 

Anyway, enough of venting. i'm really looking forward to the upcoming weeks! hope i can manage the busy schedule ahead. 

-forcethesmile :)

Relations Thoughts

Today, everything went kind of smoothly? I guess? Haha.

As usual, he's late for the date again.. 😞 & half of the time, he's busy w his what's app chat, which made me kind of insecure. (Partly it's because person m is in the what's app grp; she's boy ex love & she hates me to the core, even insulted me on her personal tumblr twice)  But the movies & dinner were good! Esp despicable me & White House down. :) after which, boy sent me home, which made me felt a lil loved :) 

But after the date, things went terribly wrong.. The very first thing when he did when he reaches home is to watch "live stream" of dk what game.. Well, he did try to explain to me, but it just didn't catch my attention. & what's the first thing I did? Collage the photos we took earlier on.. See the difference? & now..? He hadn't reply me since 1h30min ago.. But the ironic thing is, he appeared online in whatsapp minutes ago.. (Must be occupied by his live stream game & whatsapp chat again..) Tbh, I really really don't like the fact that the whatsapp chat grp is getting so much attention. It made me feel less important.. like way insignificant. That's why whenever boy said I'm important to him, I always asked him to repeat himself.. I needed it to boost my confidence level.. 

Little things do matter.. & they are often the reasons why things ain't perfect.. I'm tired of overthinking.. Fanciful words aint doing the job. Please do smth to give me the assurance I need.. Cause.. If this were to carry on.. I'm afraid that we might not last as long as you thought.. 

Quote from the dream makers "我最需要你的时候，你在哪里？我需要的是一个懂得爱我的人＂

-forcethesmile :)

Relations Thoughts

Today, I felt loved :)

During breakfast, I accidentally dropped my phone, flat on the floor.. when I picked it up, the screen has shattered into pieces.. It was then I realized how much love boy has for me :) he insisted to accompanying me to the repair shop after he learnt abt it. :) Yes, it was something small, I don't deny that. He didnt came down to my hse to pick me up nor send me home. But the short 2-3h spent tht was sweet. it gives me a sense of warmth, & it made me feel that we might actually last. Like what I always say, little things do matter :)

Tbh, I'm looking forward to our date tmr. Really looking forward. Hope it will be a good one ❤

Relations Thoughts

I guess i have enough of keeping unhappy things to myself. Everyone sees me as a happy, cheerful girl. But deep down, i aint one.. No one is ever there for me to hear me out. & i cant bear to hurt you w all the fucked up words that are kept within me. So i guess this is a secret platform for me to vent everything out. :)

Time flies, & it had been 7 months since the day we got together :) i agreed to go into a r/s with you when we barely know each other.. To be honest, you were not my ideal type.. not even near I supposed. But that night, I said yes, even though I had no idea why..

In the past 7 months, tons of things happened. We went tons of places together, adventure cove, aquarium, sentosa, pool, bowl, swim, movies, & even batam! :) I was happy, genuinely happy. & of course there were times where it's hard for us to manage.. Conflicts & misunderstandings w person m & her gang, fingers pointing, tumblr insultings, financial & all.. Also not forgetting our stubborn characters that are always the roots of our countless arguments. But we managed to pull them through this far. I never believe in 天长地久，but because of those happy moments we shared, makes me gradually believe that we might actually last..

But recently.. My confidence level dropped, drastically. I felt insignificant inside.. Disappointment overwhelms me. & it made me think if I was too hot headed that night..

You were always occupied by your friends, be it dota, or clique outing(person m included).. Even though we were spending time tgt, you were always w your clique whats app chat. I feel really insignificant & unloved.. It seems to me that i weigh nothing in your heart.. I was really upset whenever you are meeting up with her.. ( you gonna meet her on the 13th again) Yes, i'm still the fucking weakling, i still feel damn in-secured whenever you meet up with her. I didnt tell you cause i didnt want you to feel bad.. but i did show it in my tumblr, twitter.. But you don't seem to give a damn. I guess i ain't as important as I thought I was to you :)

Then, you always seems tired when you are w me.. For your friends, you can always wake up early & sleep very very late... I don't know why for me, you can't. But i never blame you for that.. Never once.. i'm just jealous of what you can sacrifice for your friends, but not for me.

Every little things that happened, makes me wonder if we are really suitable.. Little things do count.. At least to me.. You always tend to make "promises", but it seems that you weren't able to do it.. prob you just don't give a damn :)

Today, I was utterly disappointed. I wanted to see Gordon Ramsay.. Really a very big fan of his.. I was really looking forward to it from the moment I knew he was coming to Singapore.. You said you wanted to go with me, which we did. The warm weather & large crowd did not dampen my mood, at all. But they did to yours.. Your face went black immediately upon reaching.. & your tone all were very pekcek.. Though you kept saying it's okay, it's alright, I know deep down you were upset or even angry.. That's why I decided to leave, even though you didn't want to.. But.. deep down, I was really very very disappointed..

Hmm, recently got to know recently that she is still waiting for you.. Maybe she's right, i should not even exist.. I'm just a third party/slut/bitch whom seduced you

-forcethesmile :) 

Relations Thoughts

Just fuck everything.
Really feel like hiding from the world & cry..

-forcethesmile :)